Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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