I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
