my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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