The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
