I just saw a hot homeless man
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
