I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
