the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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