I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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