We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
