i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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