i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
