His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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