My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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