So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
