rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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