I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
