That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
