Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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