no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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