My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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