Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
