just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
