is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
