Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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