She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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