yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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