If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
