Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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