I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
