It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
