Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
