there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
