yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize