I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
