I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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