"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
