I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
