I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
