did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
either way he was missing a nipple.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
