he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
