Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
