you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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