I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
