you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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