I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
