i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
