I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They have beer where we have blood.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
