I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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