My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
