Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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