I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
