hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
