I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
